Dear Lover,
2 suckers fell down the rabbit hole | chase the bunny!
they tried but nothing's gonna get me down now!
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butterflybox
butterflybox21 May 2008 @ 10:08 pm
Here is something we can share with our children:
Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo Manila University,
Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father
Ferriols, at that time, was the Philosophy department head. Currently
he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo.
Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind opening and
enriching classes but was also notorious for the grades he gives.
Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they
take home with them every day (if only they could do something about
the grades...)
Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems,
the highest being an A, lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr Ferriols
had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted
to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn ' t teach at
all...Calasanz got his
A+. Read the paper below to find out why.
PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom
met a man who didn ' t fear marriage. Something about the closure
seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand
for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible
within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a
mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was
the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I
looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each
other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and
could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.
And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed
to glow in each other ' s presence. They seemed really in love, not
just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other ' s foibles.
It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked
myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much
irritation at the other ' s habits? What keeps love alive in them,
when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each
other?
The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to
the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad
relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to
succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a
good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see
clearly in the early stages.
Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see
yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little! Things
by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a
way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some
people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most
heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the
other side.
This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each
other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because
the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it
keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be
like together.
The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time
friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get
to know each other ' s laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see
each other at their worst and at their best. They share time
together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their
sexuality.
This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell
of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for
other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells
you how much you will enjoy each other ' s company over the long term.
If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense
of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter
is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can
always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each
other, you can always keep the world around you new.
Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most
intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to
turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the
world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same
viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical
together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way
you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see
their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of
them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the
overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the
outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world
becomes important again. If your partner treats people or
circumstances in a way you can ' t accept, you will inevitably come to
grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily
affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow.
If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each
deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not
respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live
on the cups of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart
resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery
of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only
to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn ' t become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling
isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must
find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts
that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life
that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot
nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them
in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you
live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but
never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there
it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily
failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their
mates.
So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a
partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage
can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I
speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong word. There is
a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is
one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower.
The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love
becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around
us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know
them they would be impossible to believe.
Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted
like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the
flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.
If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If
you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be
flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative
transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that
always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I
was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that
transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to
accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be
transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more
meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was
the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be
left with something lesser and bitter.
But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative
transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But
instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand
touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two
separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and
share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate,
but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a
closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say
that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps
are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to
having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering
doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and
each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.
But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by
the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of
shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage
commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more
complex.
So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the
wrong reasons. It is an act of fait and it contains within it the
power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have
found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient
faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken
and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to
embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then
you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not,
then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your
patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.
Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father
Ferriols, at that time, was the Philosophy department head. Currently
he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo.
Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind opening and
enriching classes but was also notorious for the grades he gives.
Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they
take home with them every day (if only they could do something about
the grades...)
Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems,
the highest being an A, lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr Ferriols
had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted
to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn ' t teach at
all...Calasanz got his
A+. Read the paper below to find out why.
PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom
met a man who didn ' t fear marriage. Something about the closure
seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand
for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible
within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a
mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was
the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I
looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each
other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and
could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.
And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed
to glow in each other ' s presence. They seemed really in love, not
just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other ' s foibles.
It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked
myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much
irritation at the other ' s habits? What keeps love alive in them,
when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each
other?
The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to
the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad
relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to
succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a
good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see
clearly in the early stages.
Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see
yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little! Things
by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a
way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some
people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most
heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the
other side.
This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each
other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because
the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it
keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be
like together.
The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time
friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get
to know each other ' s laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see
each other at their worst and at their best. They share time
together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their
sexuality.
This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell
of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for
other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells
you how much you will enjoy each other ' s company over the long term.
If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense
of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter
is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can
always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each
other, you can always keep the world around you new.
Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most
intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to
turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the
world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same
viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical
together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way
you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see
their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of
them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the
overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the
outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world
becomes important again. If your partner treats people or
circumstances in a way you can ' t accept, you will inevitably come to
grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily
affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow.
If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each
deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not
respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live
on the cups of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart
resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery
of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only
to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn ' t become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling
isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must
find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts
that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life
that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot
nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them
in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you
live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but
never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there
it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily
failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their
mates.
So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a
partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage
can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I
speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong word. There is
a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is
one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower.
The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love
becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around
us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know
them they would be impossible to believe.
Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted
like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the
flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.
If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If
you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be
flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative
transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that
always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I
was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that
transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to
accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be
transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more
meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was
the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be
left with something lesser and bitter.
But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative
transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But
instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand
touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two
separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and
share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate,
but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a
closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say
that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps
are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to
having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering
doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and
each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.
But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by
the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of
shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage
commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more
complex.
So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the
wrong reasons. It is an act of fait and it contains within it the
power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have
found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient
faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken
and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to
embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then
you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not,
then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your
patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.
11 May 2008 @ 04:08 pm
Be the wine that emboldens the soul and let others drink of you.
Something i came up with earlier today. :)
Something i came up with earlier today. :)
08 May 2008 @ 03:45 pm
sadly, when i found you, i thought my search was over too.
i guess we were both wrong.
i guess we were both wrong.
15 April 2008 @ 12:06 am
we entered the world naked..we will exit the world without material possession...what is more important is how we used God's blessings while in this world ..so , we are in this world but our end game is not of this world..that makes a huge difference...i want to go far and reach heaven - that is the destination..this is only passage. i am confident that with patience, right focus you will go much farther than me..you are a very special person..you are smart and brilliant..you have to have faith in yourself..and trust in God
08 April 2008 @ 02:31 am
When you're feelin' down and out, wond'rin' what this world's about
I know a place that has the answer, it's a place where no one dies
It's a land where no one cries and good vibrations always greet you
I know a place that has the answer, it's a place where no one dies
It's a land where no one cries and good vibrations always greet you
How I love when my thoughts run to the Land Of Make Believe
Where ev'rything is fun forever
Children always gather 'round Mother Goose and all her rhyme
They fill the air with sounds of laughter
People dancing, their hearts are filled with all the reasons why
You and I should learn the way of the Land Of Make Believe
And make this world of ours much brighter
I once asked the Wizard of Oz for the secret of his land
Now just between us he said "Just take a look around here"
Seven Dwarfs and Little Boy Blue, Uncle Remus and Snow White too
Now just between us, that's what's known as integration
Jack and Jill are hard at work helping children dream awhile
And Snoopy's making smiles for grown-ups
Elves are making toys, they are rich with all the joys
Of seeing happy kids at Christmas
We are waiting to help you find the dream meant just for you
In a few words let's just say that in answer to your quiz
Imagination is the secret
Hear the music from the band, it was written in our land
Well what's a song but someone's dream
In your world there was a king, he once said "I have a dream"
Now there's a man who knew the secret
Dreams are really the thoughts that you have hidden in your heart
When you start a brand new day let your heart show you the way
And make a dream or two, come true
How I love when my thoughts run to the Land Of Make Believe
Where ev'rything is fun forever
Words and Music by Chuck Mangione
Copyright © 1972 Gates Music, Inc.
04 April 2008 @ 03:21 am
open the door.
let love in.
what are you afraid of?
let yourself be emptied.
fill yourself with light.
new skin grows over old wounds.
savor this pain,
recognize the true taste of longing.
then you know that you truly have loved.
let love in.
what are you afraid of?
let yourself be emptied.
fill yourself with light.
new skin grows over old wounds.
savor this pain,
recognize the true taste of longing.
then you know that you truly have loved.
24 March 2008 @ 12:37 am
The hedonists have it best. Imagine a world where guilt does not exist, where every moment can be lived in pleasure. Not to say that you have to hurt or step on others to gain the pleasure you desire, but imagine if we could live our lives free of the burden of guilt. No guilt about leaving the parents alone in the house every weekend while you go out with your friends, no guilt about the things you did and said as a child or even as an adult. No past thoughts haunting you. No Catholic church saying you are going to hell for having sex before marriage, or eating meat on a lent friday, or all the million things that can land you an eternity of damnation.
I think i'll make it a conscious choice to rid myself of guilt. Of course i'll still consider others' feelings and reactions towards my decisions, but i refuse to feel guilty for any of them. It's my life and i'll live it the way i want to.
I think this means the end of me being Catholic.
I think i'll make it a conscious choice to rid myself of guilt. Of course i'll still consider others' feelings and reactions towards my decisions, but i refuse to feel guilty for any of them. It's my life and i'll live it the way i want to.
I think this means the end of me being Catholic.
21 March 2008 @ 12:53 am
I wish i could take a vacation from myself. A vacation from my thoughts and emotions, from my body, from my day to day routine. Wouldn't it be great if vacation destinations could be something other than places...perhaps they could be other times. I'd go back to a time when I loved myself a little more than i do now and observe myself and find out what made it so. Memories are flawed in that they can be corrupted by time and stem from only one point of view, so if i were to just remember that time without actually being there, i would remember only what i wanted to from it. But i do remember being more whole, being more PRESENT, living in the NOW. I wonder what's changed. Of course i changed, but i wonder if i changed for the better.
For the better....better for whom. I wonder if i still have that mentality of living my life for someone else. Getting better grades to please mom and dad, avoiding meat on Fridays to be a good Catholic, etc. I think some of is still resides in me. I really need to learn to do things for myself, for my own good. I signed up for a photography class yesterday, that's one step at least. That was purely for myself. For my "bettering" i guess.
There is so much i don't know. It's horrible. I am now questioning the value of the education i received in the Philippines. Why don't i know the details about slavery, or the history of the Muslims in Europe? Why was I taught that in society, the father is the head of the household and families are black and white pictures with a mommy, a daddy and a baby instead of just a mommy or two daddies? and what do i have in me that i can pass on to my students?
Did growing up in the Philipines, in mixed "conyo" society make me subconsciously racist? Like when my friends and i all agree that we'll never date an African American, where did i pick up that attitude, that sad mentality?
Thank God for Jamil in my life, who questions everything i do and say. For making me think, for giving me books, for opening my eyes. For making me see things in a different light.
I still have to search myself for the true me. But right now i still want to take a vacation from myself. From the negative way i'm currently viewing myself.
For the better....better for whom. I wonder if i still have that mentality of living my life for someone else. Getting better grades to please mom and dad, avoiding meat on Fridays to be a good Catholic, etc. I think some of is still resides in me. I really need to learn to do things for myself, for my own good. I signed up for a photography class yesterday, that's one step at least. That was purely for myself. For my "bettering" i guess.
There is so much i don't know. It's horrible. I am now questioning the value of the education i received in the Philippines. Why don't i know the details about slavery, or the history of the Muslims in Europe? Why was I taught that in society, the father is the head of the household and families are black and white pictures with a mommy, a daddy and a baby instead of just a mommy or two daddies? and what do i have in me that i can pass on to my students?
Did growing up in the Philipines, in mixed "conyo" society make me subconsciously racist? Like when my friends and i all agree that we'll never date an African American, where did i pick up that attitude, that sad mentality?
Thank God for Jamil in my life, who questions everything i do and say. For making me think, for giving me books, for opening my eyes. For making me see things in a different light.
I still have to search myself for the true me. But right now i still want to take a vacation from myself. From the negative way i'm currently viewing myself.
27 February 2008 @ 12:56 am
I've been reading my old blog entries with Rica and having a good laugh at how young and stupid we were. I also read other posts where i was so profound and so full of anger at all the injustice in the world, especially in Philippine society and government. I wonder where all that angst went, and why i don't question things as much as i did back then. Rica and i both feel like we don't have anything to say nowadays but i know that's not true. We've both grown and matured and learned a lot these past 4-5 years and i'm sure we can speak volumes about it. Yet the words seem to slip through unwritten, unsaid.
I don't find myself getting angry at people anymore. There's just no reason for anger. It's poisonous to the soul and bad for your karma. I used to insult a lot of people for fun but now that i look back on it, that was pretty childish of me. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to insult me, but even if they do i've learned not to take it personally. I mean, it's their problem not mine. If you take insults to heart, you'll just burden yourself with those ill feelings. I've learned to try and see the best in myself all the time and remind myself that i'm a good person who's doing something with her life.
I'm pretty happy too. I have two good jobs, bosses that i respect and look up to, a great family life (even though i don't see my mom and brothers and cousins), amazing friends, a boyfriend that i love and wish i was closer to, decent looks, money in the bank, good music in my life, things to look forward to (like my march trip to portland, coachella and summer vacation), i get A's in school, i have everything i want, and i'm still young enough to make dream i have come true.
Of course, life isn't perfect, and mine certainly isn't. I have downsides too. I have bipolar disorder and need to take pills every day to maintain what society deems "normal behavior", i live thousands of miles away from my closest family and friends, i owe money to a certain hospital (25,000 dollars!), i live one state away from my love, i share a room with my dad, i'm too scared to drive, and i need to find a way to change my visa status in the U.S. but i choose to focus on the positive rather than dwell on the negative things in my life.
One thing i focus on is striving to be better. I want to be a better daughter, friend, girlfriend, TEACHER, student...I want to better myself and constantly strive to meet the goals i set for myself.
Mahatma Ghandi said BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. I will never forget these words. The change i want to see in is in education. I don't know exactly what it is yet, but i'm slowly getting a better picture of what it is that i want to do. I know that one day i want to have my own preschool, maybe in the Philippines, and my method will be an amalgamation of all the teaching methods i've seen and experienced that work. Montessori will probably be the foundation for it but i don't believe solely in the Montessori method even though i am a Montessori teacher. It has its benefits and its drawbacks, like all methods do. but i'm getting ahead of myself..
Right now all i want is to continue to be happy and become a better teacher.
And see Jamil.
I don't find myself getting angry at people anymore. There's just no reason for anger. It's poisonous to the soul and bad for your karma. I used to insult a lot of people for fun but now that i look back on it, that was pretty childish of me. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to insult me, but even if they do i've learned not to take it personally. I mean, it's their problem not mine. If you take insults to heart, you'll just burden yourself with those ill feelings. I've learned to try and see the best in myself all the time and remind myself that i'm a good person who's doing something with her life.
I'm pretty happy too. I have two good jobs, bosses that i respect and look up to, a great family life (even though i don't see my mom and brothers and cousins), amazing friends, a boyfriend that i love and wish i was closer to, decent looks, money in the bank, good music in my life, things to look forward to (like my march trip to portland, coachella and summer vacation), i get A's in school, i have everything i want, and i'm still young enough to make dream i have come true.
Of course, life isn't perfect, and mine certainly isn't. I have downsides too. I have bipolar disorder and need to take pills every day to maintain what society deems "normal behavior", i live thousands of miles away from my closest family and friends, i owe money to a certain hospital (25,000 dollars!), i live one state away from my love, i share a room with my dad, i'm too scared to drive, and i need to find a way to change my visa status in the U.S. but i choose to focus on the positive rather than dwell on the negative things in my life.
One thing i focus on is striving to be better. I want to be a better daughter, friend, girlfriend, TEACHER, student...I want to better myself and constantly strive to meet the goals i set for myself.
Mahatma Ghandi said BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. I will never forget these words. The change i want to see in is in education. I don't know exactly what it is yet, but i'm slowly getting a better picture of what it is that i want to do. I know that one day i want to have my own preschool, maybe in the Philippines, and my method will be an amalgamation of all the teaching methods i've seen and experienced that work. Montessori will probably be the foundation for it but i don't believe solely in the Montessori method even though i am a Montessori teacher. It has its benefits and its drawbacks, like all methods do. but i'm getting ahead of myself..
Right now all i want is to continue to be happy and become a better teacher.
And see Jamil.
12 February 2008 @ 04:53 pm
Today i called in sick, said i had a fever, when all i really wanted to do was lie in bed because i was too sad to get up. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. I wonder if any good writing will come out of this one....
I can't believe i'm in the middle of a break-up when the relationship hasn't lasted 3 months. I cannot believe his reasons for this. He can't get over my past he says. That's such shit! He says my past haunts him because he think about it all the time. The problem is that he's a) jealous, b) pessimistic, and c) insecure. oh and immature. If he was mature, he would know enough to let the past stay in the past, but no, he has to ask me three million questions about it knowing he'll get the answers he doesn't want to hear. He once went through my entire list of myspace friends with me asking me details about each and every one of them, trying to see if i hooked up with any of them. Wow.
The worst part about it is that i have a non-refundable non-exchangeable ticket to fly to portland this weekend. He wants me to come so we can see if we can save the relationship. I think that it's definitely over because if he can't accept who i am, i have no business being with him. I want to be accepted and loved exactly as I am without having to change anything or be made to feel regret for something that i've done in the past.
The dumb part is that i'm still going. I don't know why i'm still going. It's a waste of cash if i don't ( i paid for this trip out of my own salary. i should have just gotten a nintendo wii. ) and part of me wants to see him myself and dump him even though he broke up with me over the phone.
This is all ridiculous. And in all honesty i'm feeling really sad and low because i really loved Jamil. I thought he was great and i was hoping this could last for a long time. Boy was i wrong. I never even saw this one coming. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I have to wake up tomorrow and put on the brightest smile for my students when all i really want to do is curl up and sleep. Today i can afford to be sad though. So today i will mourn, and feel fucked up and smoke myself out and write and feel bitter. Then hopefully it'll be out of my system and i can be my cheery self again.
I can't believe i'm in the middle of a break-up when the relationship hasn't lasted 3 months. I cannot believe his reasons for this. He can't get over my past he says. That's such shit! He says my past haunts him because he think about it all the time. The problem is that he's a) jealous, b) pessimistic, and c) insecure. oh and immature. If he was mature, he would know enough to let the past stay in the past, but no, he has to ask me three million questions about it knowing he'll get the answers he doesn't want to hear. He once went through my entire list of myspace friends with me asking me details about each and every one of them, trying to see if i hooked up with any of them. Wow.
The worst part about it is that i have a non-refundable non-exchangeable ticket to fly to portland this weekend. He wants me to come so we can see if we can save the relationship. I think that it's definitely over because if he can't accept who i am, i have no business being with him. I want to be accepted and loved exactly as I am without having to change anything or be made to feel regret for something that i've done in the past.
The dumb part is that i'm still going. I don't know why i'm still going. It's a waste of cash if i don't ( i paid for this trip out of my own salary. i should have just gotten a nintendo wii. ) and part of me wants to see him myself and dump him even though he broke up with me over the phone.
This is all ridiculous. And in all honesty i'm feeling really sad and low because i really loved Jamil. I thought he was great and i was hoping this could last for a long time. Boy was i wrong. I never even saw this one coming. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I have to wake up tomorrow and put on the brightest smile for my students when all i really want to do is curl up and sleep. Today i can afford to be sad though. So today i will mourn, and feel fucked up and smoke myself out and write and feel bitter. Then hopefully it'll be out of my system and i can be my cheery self again.
28 December 2007 @ 12:26 am
Staying at my grandparents house means having access to valuable family photo albums. I love browsing through them, looking at old black and white photos of good times they had, and my own baby pictures as well. There's one album i want to keep that i dont have though - my mom and dad's wedding album. I don't know where this valuable jewel is now, probably somewhere in the Philippines. When i was younger i used to look through it hungrily, searching their expressions for love, looking for whatever it is that brought them together.
Like many people i know, i'm the product of a "broken home". I have divorced parents, half-brothers and the experience of having a "stepdad" (though he really wasn't because they never married) that i absolutely hated. Unfortunately, i don't have the experience of knowing my parents as a couple. That's one of the things i always think about. I wonder what my mom and dad were like together....how they were at home, with friends, as lovers... I search for answers to those questions in their old photos and love letters. I remember reading their letters to each other and finding them to be really sweet..... I would kill to have these mementos now, to read them again as an adult and see how their lives were.
I think i'm a bit jaded about marriage. I've only seen two marriages that work - my grandparents and Tita Maribel and Tito Blady Pelayo's marriages. I'm 24 now, the age where my grandad and my mom were married and i wonder if i'm ready for all that... I want so badly to believe that lifelong love can still exist but everywhere i look i see marriages crumbling and falling apart. I wonder if i've even found my partner, my great love. I've never had a long relationship, never lived with anyone, never really KNOWN a person well enough. I'm in a relationship now and i'm hopeful about it, tough though our situation may be...
Jaded though i may be, i still want to get married. I want that commitment, that bond. (and yes, i want the white dress, the three-layer cake, the ring, the vows, and the party!) I think that i want to marry before i'm 30 since i want to be married without children for at least 2 years so that i can enjoy my husband and travel together without the kids yet. I don't want to put a timeline on it though, since i don't want to live my life on a schedule. It's just an idea i have. Plus i have to find someone whom i can love for the rest of my life, someone i can see being a father to my children...
I wonder if i've found MY ONE. It's too early into our relationship to tell. I do know that i've found someone unlike any other man i've ever known and that i want to know him more. I only wish it didn't have to be long-distance! It's tough missing someone all the time and wanting to be with them.
Okay, enough blubbering for now. I have waaaay too much time on my hands. Back to reading the news about the Pakistani politician who was just assasinated. Thank God the politics in the Philippines hasn't reached this kind of brutality yet.
20 December 2007 @ 11:51 pm
Christmas came early for me this year! I got everything i wanted and more. The first surprise was the Canon G9 i got from my dad as the ultimate gift. I love it! I'll be posting pics soon now that i finally have a camera in my hands again. I'm still playing with it and figuring out how to unleash it's awesome power. =p
The second "gift" is a million times better than the first. It's like God's gift to me - the gift of love. I'm completely, madly, head over heels in love with Jamil. All i can think about is him, all i want is to be with him, and now i'm his! We're (officially) in a relationship... he spent the weekend here and we confessed and professed our love for each other. Long-distance relationships are hard, but i know they can work because i've seen it with my own eyes - i'm very inspired by Dre and Jackee and their relationship. She lives in LA while Dre lives here in San Francisco and they see each other about once a month but they're so in love with each other that they make it work. Sure Jamil is in Oregon (!!!!!) but it's not TOO far away (even though it sure as hell feels like it!). I can still see him once a month, and who knows, if or when things get more serious one of us will move down or up and we can live together. I'm really hopeful and i know this is going to be one great relationship.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........love. It feels so good!
This is the best Christmas ever.
The second "gift" is a million times better than the first. It's like God's gift to me - the gift of love. I'm completely, madly, head over heels in love with Jamil. All i can think about is him, all i want is to be with him, and now i'm his! We're (officially) in a relationship... he spent the weekend here and we confessed and professed our love for each other. Long-distance relationships are hard, but i know they can work because i've seen it with my own eyes - i'm very inspired by Dre and Jackee and their relationship. She lives in LA while Dre lives here in San Francisco and they see each other about once a month but they're so in love with each other that they make it work. Sure Jamil is in Oregon (!!!!!) but it's not TOO far away (even though it sure as hell feels like it!). I can still see him once a month, and who knows, if or when things get more serious one of us will move down or up and we can live together. I'm really hopeful and i know this is going to be one great relationship.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........love. It feels so good!
This is the best Christmas ever.
09 December 2007 @ 09:44 pm
When your hands go out,
love, toward mine,
what do they bring me flying?
Why did they stop
at my mouth, suddenly,
why do i recognize them
as if then, before,
i had touched them,
as if before they existed
they had passed over
my forehead, my waist?
Their softness came
flying over time,
over the sea, over the smoke,
over the spring,
and when you placed
your hands on my chest,
I recognized those golden
dove wings,
I recognized that clay
and that color of wheat.
All the years of my life
I walked around looking for them.
I went up the stairs,
I crossed the roads,
trains carried me,
waters brought me,
and in the skin of the grapes
I thought I touched you.
The wood suddenly
brought me your touch,
the almond announced to me
your secret softness,
until your hands
closed on my chest
and there like two wings
they ended their journey.
Pablo Neruda
love, toward mine,
what do they bring me flying?
Why did they stop
at my mouth, suddenly,
why do i recognize them
as if then, before,
i had touched them,
as if before they existed
they had passed over
my forehead, my waist?
Their softness came
flying over time,
over the sea, over the smoke,
over the spring,
and when you placed
your hands on my chest,
I recognized those golden
dove wings,
I recognized that clay
and that color of wheat.
All the years of my life
I walked around looking for them.
I went up the stairs,
I crossed the roads,
trains carried me,
waters brought me,
and in the skin of the grapes
I thought I touched you.
The wood suddenly
brought me your touch,
the almond announced to me
your secret softness,
until your hands
closed on my chest
and there like two wings
they ended their journey.
Pablo Neruda
23 November 2007 @ 04:32 pm
I'm beginning to think i have a knack for making a total ass of myself at awkward moments that are supposed to be set up by some unnamed God as turning points. Or just those moments that are perfect for spilling the truths that you've been holding inside and then hoping to the heavens that the reaction you're looking for won't be humorous or blase.
I told my biggest secret to the one person i was hoping to impress and now i feel strange but uplifted. Make that my biggest secret, plus another one that i thought was painfully obvious already but i lent it words and sent it out into the world. I wonder why i did it. Probably verbal diarrhea. Go Chris Go! Chalk this one up to experience, and always make a mental note to think hard before opening your mouth.
But i wasn't dreaming when i was paid a pretty cool compliment. Yay for me, though i doubt any of this will come to any sort of fruition. It's one of those moment things that either pass or turn into something good.
So now I've got the rest of the day to look forward to. Not much on the agenda, laundry, shopping for grandma and grandpa's gift (the cool digital picture frame that i intend to fill with enhanced photos that i scanned from their old photo albums last time i visited), and the birthday dinner tonight at palo alto. I wonder if i'll get any surprises during the day...
I told my biggest secret to the one person i was hoping to impress and now i feel strange but uplifted. Make that my biggest secret, plus another one that i thought was painfully obvious already but i lent it words and sent it out into the world. I wonder why i did it. Probably verbal diarrhea. Go Chris Go! Chalk this one up to experience, and always make a mental note to think hard before opening your mouth.
But i wasn't dreaming when i was paid a pretty cool compliment. Yay for me, though i doubt any of this will come to any sort of fruition. It's one of those moment things that either pass or turn into something good.
So now I've got the rest of the day to look forward to. Not much on the agenda, laundry, shopping for grandma and grandpa's gift (the cool digital picture frame that i intend to fill with enhanced photos that i scanned from their old photo albums last time i visited), and the birthday dinner tonight at palo alto. I wonder if i'll get any surprises during the day...
13 October 2007 @ 12:44 am
One perk about being a preschool teacher is that everyday is different. It's never SSDD (Same Shit, Different Day) over at my school, no way! Today was an exceptional day. For starters, i got lots of extra affection from the kids, lots of hugs and kisses and "Look at what i did!" from the cute kiddos that i teach. The real adventure of the day started when Ms. Tsubasa asked me to please bring a little boy to the bathroom for a change. Uh-oh!
Everything started out smoothly. The shoes came off, then the pants, and i had the wipes, the fresh diaper, and the changing pad all in order. The gloves were on my hands and i was ready to go. When i pulled down his pull-ups, an ENORMOUS chunk of poop plopped out of the diaper and onto the floor! And three little poop nuggets decided to jump out and join their big momma too! And there he was, standing in his socks, almost stepping on his own shit. I quickly lifted him, strapped him onto the changing pad and got lots of toiled paper and put the poop in the toilet and wiped the floow with a wet paper towel. I realized too late that i had stuffed the toilet and when i tried to flush it got clogged!
I focused on the little boy (name will be ommitted for various reasons). Once i had him wiped down and clean (which took about 9 wet wipes), i changed him and brought him back to the classroom. I then had to get a new pair of gloves, go back to the bathroom, and stick my hand into the toilet to unclog the drain. Lovely.
The little boy showered me with kisses all day and a great big hug at dismissal time, so it was all worth it.
I think my diaper changing level has reached above average. I'm still nowhere near the expert level though. Dre and i are off to see Fujiya and MIyagi. I can't wait! Cheers to a good friday!
Everything started out smoothly. The shoes came off, then the pants, and i had the wipes, the fresh diaper, and the changing pad all in order. The gloves were on my hands and i was ready to go. When i pulled down his pull-ups, an ENORMOUS chunk of poop plopped out of the diaper and onto the floor! And three little poop nuggets decided to jump out and join their big momma too! And there he was, standing in his socks, almost stepping on his own shit. I quickly lifted him, strapped him onto the changing pad and got lots of toiled paper and put the poop in the toilet and wiped the floow with a wet paper towel. I realized too late that i had stuffed the toilet and when i tried to flush it got clogged!
I focused on the little boy (name will be ommitted for various reasons). Once i had him wiped down and clean (which took about 9 wet wipes), i changed him and brought him back to the classroom. I then had to get a new pair of gloves, go back to the bathroom, and stick my hand into the toilet to unclog the drain. Lovely.
The little boy showered me with kisses all day and a great big hug at dismissal time, so it was all worth it.
I think my diaper changing level has reached above average. I'm still nowhere near the expert level though. Dre and i are off to see Fujiya and MIyagi. I can't wait! Cheers to a good friday!
27 September 2007 @ 05:17 pm
Thanks to Rica, i got addicted to "a softer world" and decided to make my own series of photos.
when i grow up, i want to change the world
as long as i don't let my fear of being insignificant eat me alive
having singed wings is worth the seconds i spent burning in the flame
i like to lay "lets pretend"
in my world the music doesn't stop, the drugs are free, life is good,
and my friends don't talk about me behind my back
when i grow up, i want to change the world
as long as i don't let my fear of being insignificant eat me alive
having singed wings is worth the seconds i spent burning in the flame
i like to lay "lets pretend"
in my world the music doesn't stop, the drugs are free, life is good,
and my friends don't talk about me behind my back
20 September 2007 @ 10:32 pm
The Peter Bjorn and John gig last Tuesday was phenomenal! Dre, Jackee and i got there 20 minutes early after having a tasty sushi dinner at this place on Van Ness (North beach, Heavenly and Monster Crunch rolls were the best) and we got a spot right smack in front of the stage, right in front of the singers microphone. We didn't catch the first performer but we did make it in time to watch the Clientele and i was totally soundtripping to them, swaying with my eyes closed and grooving to the music. I was also happily stoned, thanks to Dre's yummy stash. (Stoned enough to say "I wonder how still a person would have to lay to feel the earth moving beneath him")
I think my favorite song of their set was "object of my affections". They did a smashing job playing it, and it was their "last song" before the encore. Plus i got to shake Peter's hand right after he did the last song! He was going round touching peoples hands and i was right there in front and i reached my arm up and he did it! He shook Dre and Jackee's hand too. Way to make the experience extra special. I left the gig really happy with a cool Writer's Block t-shirt to boot. Yay for another great gig! It still doesn't beat the Arcade Fire gig at the Greek though, that's still my number 1 gig so far.
In other news, my doctor finally FINALLY switched my medication! She's slowly weaning me of the Risperdal which makes me listless and lifeless and drab and feeling like a small limp dick on prom night. Now i'm on Lithium and a new medicine called "Abilify". When i first heard it, i immediately thought that it sounds like some sort of Harry Potter spell. Abilify! and out spurts a jet of blue-green light from the tip of my doctors wand, hitting me square in the chest and making my heart begin to pump adrenaline through my body, giving me the ability to enjoy life again. I've been more cheerful lately and feeling more like my old self. No more drowsiness and the desire to sleep all day. Whooohooo! I hope this new combo of medicine works out without any side effects. I have been feeling hungry all the time, which is horrible since i don't want to gain any more weight! I'm going to deal with that by stocking up on fruit, since you can't gain weight no matter how much you stuff yourself with the stuff. The bad thing is i went to the grocery store while i was hungry (which is always a bad idea) and came home with cheddar pringles, a bag of cheetos, a small tub of Nutella, cookie mix and brownie batter. I have to take that in slowly and spread them out over the course of a month. Damn my sweet tooth to hell. At least i got a bottle of V8 to neautralize the junk, and two tubs of strawberries which were buy 1 take 1 at Safeway. Yum.
I'll end this post with two conversations i heard and had at preschool.
Conversation 1: overheard during circle time at class
Eva: Guess what Evan, i have a boyfriend!
Evan: It's not me!
Conversation 2:
Evan: Damn it!
Chriselle: Excuse me Evan, we don't use that kind of language at school.
Dylan: Too late!
I think my favorite song of their set was "object of my affections". They did a smashing job playing it, and it was their "last song" before the encore. Plus i got to shake Peter's hand right after he did the last song! He was going round touching peoples hands and i was right there in front and i reached my arm up and he did it! He shook Dre and Jackee's hand too. Way to make the experience extra special. I left the gig really happy with a cool Writer's Block t-shirt to boot. Yay for another great gig! It still doesn't beat the Arcade Fire gig at the Greek though, that's still my number 1 gig so far.
In other news, my doctor finally FINALLY switched my medication! She's slowly weaning me of the Risperdal which makes me listless and lifeless and drab and feeling like a small limp dick on prom night. Now i'm on Lithium and a new medicine called "Abilify". When i first heard it, i immediately thought that it sounds like some sort of Harry Potter spell. Abilify! and out spurts a jet of blue-green light from the tip of my doctors wand, hitting me square in the chest and making my heart begin to pump adrenaline through my body, giving me the ability to enjoy life again. I've been more cheerful lately and feeling more like my old self. No more drowsiness and the desire to sleep all day. Whooohooo! I hope this new combo of medicine works out without any side effects. I have been feeling hungry all the time, which is horrible since i don't want to gain any more weight! I'm going to deal with that by stocking up on fruit, since you can't gain weight no matter how much you stuff yourself with the stuff. The bad thing is i went to the grocery store while i was hungry (which is always a bad idea) and came home with cheddar pringles, a bag of cheetos, a small tub of Nutella, cookie mix and brownie batter. I have to take that in slowly and spread them out over the course of a month. Damn my sweet tooth to hell. At least i got a bottle of V8 to neautralize the junk, and two tubs of strawberries which were buy 1 take 1 at Safeway. Yum.
I'll end this post with two conversations i heard and had at preschool.
Conversation 1: overheard during circle time at class
Eva: Guess what Evan, i have a boyfriend!
Evan: It's not me!
Conversation 2:
Evan: Damn it!
Chriselle: Excuse me Evan, we don't use that kind of language at school.
Dylan: Too late!
09 August 2007 @ 01:37 am
Today i learned that the sound that grates on my nerves the MOST is the sound of water running from a faucet into a useless basin, either unnatended or simply wasted. Roar!